call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
