Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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