is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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