at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
