Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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