I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
