This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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