I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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