Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
