There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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