I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just tell him i said nine months
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
