Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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