Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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