why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
