Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
