Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
