easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
