i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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