I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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