I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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