i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
