my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
