Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
