I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
