If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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