I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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