Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
