There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
