maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you traded sex for a burrito?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
