If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
