I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
