why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
