i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
