By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
