so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
