found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
