Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
