She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
