tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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