the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
