Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
