i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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