Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
