I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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