I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
my liver is dry heaving
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
