what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
