I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
