yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
