I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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