I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
