She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
